As many who have known me for a while know, I once had long, long hair. However you can tell just by looking at the picture above that it is now quite short. I honestly do not know why I am making this the topic of a blog post but just go with it.
I got the inspiration for this while looking at a picture of me that was sent to me by my sister, it is one of the last pictures of me with my long hair. Upon sight of it I felt the strange urge to cry. I do not regret my haircut, I think it suits me well and is much more easy to keep up with. It has almost also freed me in a way that is hard to put into words. After some consideration it became clear that I did not miss my hair, but I miss the old me.
It is an exaggeration to say that I look like a different person with my hair short, but it also almost is not. So when I see pictures of me with my hair long (it also took me until now to realize that I have avoided pictures of me with it long) it reminds me of someone I lost. I see someone innocent, hopeful, and determined. I see a person who knows what God has in store for her. However many of these things where not accurate to the end of the time with my long hair. I also see the pain, turmoil, and the overall feeling of being lost in her.
As I am writing this a certain song comes to mind, a memory of a — performance at a theatre showcase that I am taken back to. The song is She Used to Be Mine from the musical Waitress. The lead in this song laments the person she used to be, a few lyrics that I feel best summarize my connection to the song are:
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used to be
Although it’s true
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl
She’s imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
This song became popular outside of the musical theatre world for a while. I believe it’s because we can all relate to loosing a purer, more hopeful version of ourselves to the world.
I do not regret my haircut. And as I said before, I do believe it suits me well, however I do believe I was “prettier” with it long, I have found that I am not supposed to be pretty. Now I am sure you are having a hard time understanding what I mean. I am not saying that I cannot be pretty, nor that I should not be, just that it is not something God is calling me to be. So why would I give a second thought to weigh the value of something I am not called to be when it takes so much thought to become the person God is calling you to be.
Cutting my hair has freed me in a lot of ways. I feel less confined to act in the way I expect other people expect me to act. I feel less dainty, not that dainty is a bad thing, but instead I feel resilient or enduring. I feel more comfortable speaking my opinion. When you have long hair it occupy your thoughts because you are ever aware of it’s placement. It’s astonishing how many more thoughts I have that are not hair based! I have been an overall more secure person since cutting my hair, in my relationships with others and God and my emotions. And of course a lot of this has to do with other choices I have made since cutting my hair, definitely more of a correlation than a causation. Nevertheless, I the physical act of cutting off my hair was like the removal of baggage. When I see my past self making mistakes and committing sin’s that I cringe at, I no longer see someone I recognize as myself, I am able to say “This is not who you are or now choose to be”.
I will definitely grow out my hair again if it lets me however it will probably be after I am home from the Race. I know this was a weird blog post but it holds things I have been trying to articulate for a while. Thank you so much to everyone who has so far made a donation! In case you did not know for the month of January if you make a purchase at Go Rings and select my name at checkout I get 30% of the purchase. All the materials are ethically sourced and I genuinely love the style of all the jewelry and I would greatly appreciate it if you checked it out. Here is the website https://gorings.com/
I hope you all have a wonderful week!
