Entitlement

When I said yes to God, yes to this trip, yes to this life, I had to give up my entitlement. 

I‘m not entitled to a bed.

I‘m not entitled to sleep well.

I’m not entitled to feel full. 

We do not usually think of ourselves as entitled, at least I did not.

I’m not entitled to make friends.

I’m not entitled to be warm.

I’m not entitled to “feel something“ during worship.

I have found recently that I cannot continue to tell myself the lie that people like me don’t struggle with entitlement.

I’m not entitled to feel socially accepted.

I’m not entitled to be comfortable.

I’m not entitled to my clothes being dry.

”Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.“ (Psalms 37:4 ESV) This verse excited me when I first read it, for it was the answer of how to get the desires of my hear, which at that time was connection and validation from the people around me. That though was my entitlement talking. My entitlement told me that my relationship with God was transactional. I do something he wants me to do, he gives me something I want. But God can not make the people around me like me more than they naturally do, where is the free will in that? Even if he did he would increase my dependency on relationships with other humans, which are not the most dependable. God does not desire for me to put my confidence and assurance in something that could let me down. Instead He desires for me to delight in Him, to delight in the identity he has chosen for me, to delight in our friendship. For He knows that the more I delight in Him, the more my desires will be for Him. My heart will desire to see Him move more, to hear His voice more, and to know Him more. Less and less I will desire the things that my flesh thinks that I am entitled to. Of course I will still have desires that He is not the center of, but now I know to turn back to Him when they come up. 

It’s hard to face your entitlement. It is freeing when you do though. I am no longer upset or angry when I realize that I was not entitled to whatever I was upset about. I now know realize that no injustice has occurred. I do not wait impatiently for what I want, I am thankful when I get it. 

I write as if this is my new reality all the time, and it would be wrong to lead you to believe it is. I am still learning this, and I imagine I will be learning this my entire life. But I wanted to leave you with a picture of the goodness there is when you stop being entitled. 

As an endnote I do want to say that I am having an AMAZING time here, I am being fed, and I am making friends. They are taking really good care of us here and my squad and team are amazing. I do not want anyone to be concerned about me or my conditions here, I am exactly where God wants me to be.